RAVE: Mommy Playdates

My oldest daughter was about three weeks old when I learned the value of the mommy playdate. I was an anxious, sleep-deprived, overwrought mess who labored, deliberated, and anguished over every minute detail of my newborn's life. Breastfeeding was proving to be much, much harder than I thought; sleep was like a mirage in the distance that kept teasing me by disappearing just as I thought I was getting close; and I was wracked with guilt over my feelings of ambivalence about motherhood. Finally, a close friend who was already an experienced mother told me to get myself out of the house and get to this new mothers' group over at Stanford. It was specifically designed as a resource and support group for moms of newborns. Within ten minutes of my first session, I knew I had found my life preserver. I spent the entire drive home from the group crying with joy: here I had found a group of women who could understand exactly what I was experiencing and feeling at the time. Not only could they commiserate, but they had advice to offer. I was hooked and went every week for the first five months of my daughter's life. We would go to the group, and then take our tiny babies to lunch afterward. It was truly a mommy playdate -- a chance for us to socialize, talk, recharge our batteries so that we could go back to the often isolating experience of being a new mother. Through these playdates, I started developing real friendships with some of these women, and almost six years later, I count several of them among my closest friends.

Now our playdates are just as likely to exclude the kids as they are to include our kids: we can gather for real grown-up dinners or leisurely morning coffees sans children. But other times, we get the kids together at one of our houses or the park. Our activities may have changed as our children have grown, but the need for the mommy playdate has not. In the time since we've met, we've supported each other through breastfeeding, potty training, miscarriages, births of second and third children, choosing preschools, choosing kindergartens, the buying/selling/building of new homes, divorce, childhood illnesses, milestone birthdays, and so much more.

My daughter started kindergarten this year, and much to my surprise, I found another small group of women among the moms in her class. Together, we've navigated the uncertainty that comes with sending your eldest child to school for the first time. And, since we see each other at drop-off and pick-up times every day, our opportunities to see each other and develop friendships have been plentiful. Yesterday, after drop-off we decided to go grab coffee at a local shop that is happy to accommodate us and our little kids (all of us have three-year-old second children). After staying there as long as was decently possible, we decided to move the entire playdate over to one of our homes. While the kids played, we talked. When one of the kids needed something, one of the moms took care of it -- it didn't matter which mom or which kid. With four moms around, you can be sure that no kid is going to go unattended. Our coffee turned into lunch, and we basically stayed together until pick-up time at 2:30 when we drove over to school in a caravan. Now, an almost 7-hour playdate is way outside of the norm. But, it was a lovely treat for all of us -- adults and kids. Normally those younger siblings get shuttled around for errands all day long -- yesterday they had three other pals with whom to play all day. As for the moms, we had our chance to talk, laugh, and fill up our "mommy tanks". As one mom put it, it felt like we played hookey yesterday.

Raising children as a stay-at-home mom is often a fun, and always a rewarding experience. It can also be incredibly frustrating, isolating, and inspiring of feelings of inadequacy. The other moms in my life, these dear friends, have acted as my "village". Yes, I believe that same village it takes to raise a child is equally important to sustaining a mother (or dad or caregiver). And I believe that making time for my mommy playdates helps me to be a better mom -- it's the airplane safety philosophy of parenting: make sure you put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then put it on your child. I can't teach them to be patient, kind, industrious, and tolerant if I don't first make sure that I have enough oxygen to model that behavior. And getting together with my friends is that oxygen mask.

My best advice to new moms is not about breast pumps, or sleep strategies, or which diapers to use. My chief recommendation is to seek out other new moms as soon as possible -- join a mothers' club, find a support group, go hang out at the local park. Find some way to hook up with at least one other new mom. For your own sanity and spirit, start your own village. As for me, I look forward to many years of playdates ahead -- we still have a lot of parenting left to do.

R&Ring,
C